Painted Ladies & #ihadcancer

The Painted Lady butterflies are migrating through Colorado. Earlier this week, as I walked my dogs, we were surrounded by dozens of the beautiful creatures. Last night, I remembered that encounter as I tried to quiet my fears.

It woke me just like a few years ago.

An intense itch in my right breast and beneath my arm jolted me awake at about 2:30 a.m. this morning.

I ran my hand along the itchy area and felt for anything unusual. Nothing strange caught my attention other than the annoying itch that continued for about five minutes. I then started running the cancer likelihoods in my head.

‘It itches where the second cancer was found. Maybe the drugs aren’t working.’

‘I wore a new bra yesterday. Maybe the fabric caused an irritation.’ ‘If it’s back, I don’t know what I’ll do.’

Like many people living with breast cancer, I am not fully passed the diagnosis or fully prepared to acknowledge the uncertainties of this life with cancer.

The first diagnosis in 2013 sent me to my primary care physician for an antidepressant prescription.

The second diagnosis in 2016 sent me to an estate planning attorney.

Really, I’m not sure where I’d go if a third diagnosis comes about … The bar, most likely.

I found Breast Cancer 1.0 one night when an area in my right breast started itching. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. Along the way, I ran my hand over the itchy area and felt a small bump. Weeks later, I would learn it was breast cancer. After a double mastectomy and a year of chemotherapy, I started taking Tamoxifen. Unfortunately, those treatments didn’t keep cancer at bay.

I found Breast Cancer 2.0 one July day while standing in a steamy shower in an Oslo, Norway hotel. I was freezing from the day’s cold wind and rain. I ran a razor across my armpit to shave and felt a new lump. It was different. It was large. When my husband and I got home, I pledged to visit the oncologist if the lump changed. Unfortunately, it did. It grew.

With Breast Cancer 2.0, the oncologist put my odds at getting past this new cancer and living a healthy life at 40/60 percent. Not great odds but not entirely terrible either. For treatment, I completed four rounds of Adriamycin, aka The Red Devil, and weeks of Cytoxan and Taxotere infusions. Then, more than six weeks of daily radiation treatments. Now, I’m taking Arimidex in hopes of beating the beast.

Putting my trust in the many physicians and nurses who have helped me is comforting. These are knowledgeable, dedicated people. Trusting in the medical procedures and medications is a little more difficult for me. I had a double mastectomy thinking a scorched Earth approach would keep me healthy. I took Tamoxifen thinking the drug would silence the cancer.

I suspect people like me living with breast cancer also have their doubts and concerns about recurrences. I’ve written before about how any itch, twitch or tingle immediately sends my mind to CancerLand.

In those times of uncertainty, I try to think about my mantra: ‘Strength. Courage. Grace.’ Also, I try to think about something that inspires me or gives me pause.

For the past few weeks, the Painted Lady butterflies have been migrating through Colorado. I have seen them along the trail I like to jog. I have seen them settled in the flower bed in my backyard.

And, a few days ago, as I walked my dogs past a rose bush in our neighborhood, we were surrounded by the butterflies. Dozens of them flew around my head as my dogs stopped and smiled as they do when they see something pretty. It was one of those Appreciate and Remember This moments.

Last night, as I tried to quiet my fears, I thought about those butterflies. They are beautiful, free and moving on.

I hope to do the same.

I see the oncologist next week. I will talk with her about the itch in my breast. I will discuss how I would like to monitor any cancer in my body.

I will try to move on …

•••

IHadCancer.com and the Twitter account, @ihadcancer, are a support community for people touched by cancer where they can ‘Connect. Share. Thrive.’

Today, I came across an inspirational website, IHadCancer.com, and the Twitter account, @ihadcancer.

The focus of this support community for people touched by cancer is to ‘Connect. Share. Thrive.’

The website states:

Connect

Connect with real people who understand exactly what you mean—whether in your neighborhood or across the world.

Share

Discover thousands of shared experiences and contribute yours to a community of shared strength.

Thrive

Let others fuel you with inspiration and embrace the proof that you are not alone before, during or after a cancer diagnosis.

Being able to connect with people who have shared the cancer experience is helpful beyond words.

Knowing there is someone out there who had to shave her head today due to chemotherapy or someone who was too sick to receive a weekly chemo infusion puts the daily injustices of cancer into perspective.

If you need some inspiration or are looking for a great way to share your story, check out IHadCancer.com or @ihadcancer.

As the Twitter account says: ‘Shared experiences, Shared strength.’

Have a wonderful weekend … Thank you for reading! ~Kelley