Of the penises in my yard

A phaellic stinkhorn mushroom at mid-day. If you look closely, you can see a fly at the base. I may never sleep again.

I almost called the White House yesterday.

Instead, I took a few deep breaths and started locally by contacting some Colorado-based gardening experts.

Why? You ask.

Well, yesterday while watering the flower bed in the front yard, I came across what appeared to be a few male anatomical appendages growing from the ground.

That’s right. I found some penises among my peonies.

So, obviously, I took a few photos and put them through a Google image search. Dear reader: Please know I am not the first person to ever have some penises spring to life in their yard. In fact, I suspect there might be a pretty lucrative OnlyFans account somewhere dedicated entirely to the yard penis.

According to Google, the growth is a mushroom called a phaellic stinkhorn. For those keeping score at home, these little nightmare nuggets grow in damp soil where wood is rotting. So, I’m thinking the gorilla hair mulch in the flower bed is degrading and bringing to life the tiny putrid peckers reducing my home’s value by the minute.

Back to me contacting the authorities.

First, I emailed a few gardening gurus and asked: ‘What fresh hell is this and should the president deploy the National Guard?’

To which I received zero responses.

So, I texted The Weed at work:

• Me: ‘Google tells me this is a phaellic stinkhorn mushroom. We have several in the yard, and I can’t unsee this.’

• The Weed: ‘Haha, great!’

Not the support I was looking for, man.

So, I texted my mother, who like me does not hold back when it comes to all things pointy and disgusting.

• Me: ‘These are all over our yard and I need an emotional support koala … STAT!’

• Mom: ‘That thing is horrid! Those roots are not of this Earth. A hazmat suit and gallon of Roundup are necessary at once—Keep America Beautiful!’

• Mom again: ‘Rent a flamethrower immediately!’

Then, a regional mycology expert answered my numerous cries for help and provided some pretty interesting information. (I’m not naming the scientist because I did not disclose I might write about this and I don’t want this person to be negatively impacted by my far-reaching snark commentary. Trust me. I emailed with a doctor of mycology who was quite kind and informative.)

The expert confirmed these growths are indeed stinkhorn mushrooms and they thrive in the mulch.

Here’s a few outtakes from our conversation:

• Me: ‘These are inedible, correct? Can they poison my dogs?’

• The expert: ‘Actually, parts of them are eaten in Chinese cuisine. Hotpot will have a variety of mushrooms and the stems of these are often collected and used as an ingredient. I doubt they would have any harmful effects on your dog. It might upset their stomachs but these fungi are not known to be poisonous. If so, it might harm their ability to disperse since they rely on insects who are attracted to their stink to disperse their spores. Being poisonous is counter-productive to using other animals for dispersal.’

• Me: ‘Are they dangerous to the peonies around them?’

• The expert: ‘I say no. Although I don't know what they do exactly. They are known to inhabit mulch. Because of this, we see them as saprotrophs (Definition: An organism that feeds on decaying organic matter.) whose primary goal is to decompose/eat the mulch. They are some of the most widely dispersed fungi because of humans and our habits for mulching flower beds.’

• Me: ‘Are they common? If so, is there anything they can be used for?’

• The expert: ‘They are pretty common. But their application or use will depend on the context. Their best utility is as a decomposer.’

See. Pretty interesting stuff. However, that doesn’t really help me with my yard penis problem, which by the way, has grown exponentially overnight.

The Weed and I were just outside and counted at least a dozen of these real estate wreckers.

A group/gaggle/herd of stinkhorn mushrooms in the morning light. We must move!

Right now, they look mostly gross but benign. However, as I learned yesterday, by mid-day, they will become serious stomach-turners because, dear reader, they change colors and insects cover them.

Please read that again because I’ve been living with this knowledge for nearly 24 hours and I suspect not even brain bleach will erase my mushroom memories.

So, you’re all up to speed on the yard penis problem at my home in a quiet suburban community mostly known for invasive geese not otherworldly yard dongs.

I still haven’t called the White House. I know Trump is meeting with Putin today. I assume that’s a bit more important than my penis plight.

Still, if you see the National Guard on the streets in Boulder, you can be sure I got through to the Commander in Chief and my yard penis problem will be remedied right quick. Your tax dollars at work, folks!