Happy holidays … Pass the Tylenol

It's almost Christmas. Everything hurts.

Let the record show it is Thursday, Nov. 30, 2023, and I, Kelley King, being of mostly sane mind, have her family’s holiday tree assembled and all lit up.

It really is a Christmas miracle.

After refusing to surrender to this year’s retail and relative pressures to put the tree up in July, I still feel a bit silly with a decorated fresh Tannenbaum posted up in the living room before Dec. 1.

Still, I also feel rather triumphant. You see, this tree did not come without its challenge(s).

Earlier in the week, I visited the community’s renowned general store of sorts, McGuckin Hardware. This ‘hardware’ store is filled with people morning, noon, and night … Even at 10 a.m., Tuesday, when most responsible residents are supposed to be working. I believe the store’s popularity stems from its abundant stock.

If you need a fishing lure, McGuckin has it.

If you need a Big Green Egg grill, McGuckin has it.

If you need a Filson Jac-Shirt, McGuckin has it.

And, strangely enough if you need a larger-than-life picture of David Bowie, McGuckin has it. Just ask my friends Jenny, Trevor, and me. We know.

For years, I have heard about the beauty of the trees at the McGuckin Tree Lot. So, I decided to check them out. They did not disappoint.

From Douglas to Fraser firs, the trees were all lined up like good seasonal soldiers and they smelled like my grandmother’s house on Christmas morning. This is no easy feat considering the McGuckin Tree Lot is in a parking lot directly across from a marijuana dispensary. I’m just saying the trees smelled amazing and the marijuana dispensary must have been having a slow day.

Steve, of the McGuckin Tree Lot, helped me find this year’s beauty. He took me on a tour, propping up 12-footers and 5-footers for inspection. Eventually, he picked up what looked to be a sizable Fraser fir with the perfect peak for our well-worn gold-star topper.

Steve sold me on the tree by telling me it was rather heavy and likely still retaining water. (I feel you, Fraser fir! I really, really do.)

I considered this an important trait since the tree would be in a stand in our living room for the next month or so. My logic: Seems like a girthy, cactus-like, water-retaining tree might make it to the finish line in our joint.

Did I mention Steve also said it was ‘rather heavy?’

Fast forward a few hours when Steve delivered the tree to Casa de Weed and carefully carried it down our snowy driveway. (Crossing our driveway this week has been like navigating the Ice Planet Hoth. Lots of slippery spots after last week’s Thanksgiving snow.)

Once he had successfully reached the front door, tree in hand, Steve offered to bring it into the house and put it in the stand. This is what I should have allowed Steve, of the McGuckin Tree Lot, to do.

Instead, I told him I could handle it and sent him on his way back to ‘the Lot,’ across from the marijuana dispensary.

Dear reader: I could not handle it.

Turns out, Steve’s approximation of ‘rather heavy’ roughly equates to the weight of a 2012 Volkswagen Jetta. I am not exaggerating.

As I pulled the tree around the side of the house to the patio to shake out the loose needles, I felt every fast-twitch, slow-twitch, eye-twitch muscle in my body activate in quite unpleasant ways.

Once on the patio, I unbundled the beast and stood it up to shake. This caused my sweet Luka and Layla to lose their ever-loving dog minds as they lunged at the glass door barking and howling at the large tree shimmying on their turf. My apologies to the neighbors!

Next step: Get the beast in the house and mounted in the stand.

I deferred this step for a bit to catch my breath and texted The Weed telling him the tree had arrived and I was going to need a pizza and heavy prescription meds to get it ready for decorating.

To which he responded: ‘OK. I might be late tonight.’

Basic Weed speak for: ‘This is a *YOU* problem, Kelley.’ Awesome.

So, I quickly came to grips with being a holiday-tree-single mother as I pulled it through the sliding glass door while Luka and Layla tried to help with all their best tugging and barking sound effects.

Once inside the house, the tree promptly settled on the carpet … limbs dropping, shooting loose pine needles into all corners so that I will be finding them until April 2037.

That’s when I decided I still had enough energy to put the tree in its new plastic stand in the corner of the room. I will not go into great detail here because, as I’m sure you can imagine, this did not go swimmingly. In fact, as I write this, I still have tree sap in my hair and right eyelash.

Here’s a breakdown of what happened:

• I tried to prop the tree up in the corner. It pulled me over with it into the corner.

• Once I was upright and untangled from the tree, I kicked it, causing great pain to my left big toe.

• I lowered the tree back to the carpet and attempted to put the stand on the stump sideways. This sent the leftover needles from last year’s tree spilling out of the stand and into all corners. Again.

• I got the vacuum out and tried to secure as many loose needles as possible while Luka and Layla trotted through the piles and dragged them up the stairs away from the crazed woman in the living room.

• With the needles swept, I tightened the tree stand and tried to put the tree upright. Again, it pulled me over as I righted it.

• I stood up. I did not kick the tree.

• Through gritted teeth and quiet sobs, I pushed the tree into the corner and let it stand there until The Weed got home and said, ‘You know that’s in no way straight or upright.’

• I smiled. I chuckled. I guffawed. I decided we were having nachos for dinner because that’s what ungrateful, late husbands eat after their wives have spent the better part of three hours wrestling nature into the living room and losing.

Eventually, The Weed helped me straighten the tree in the stand, and yesterday after several hours of supportive self-encouragement, I spent time carefully stringing the lights (This only took three attempts) and hanging an abundance of gold ornaments on it.

So, there you have it. The holiday tree is up. It’s decorated. And, I’m so sore my arthritis has arthritis.

Happy holidays one and all. (All except that girthy, cactus-like, water-retaining SOB in the living room.)