Of gravity and the doorbell camera

I wish this was an image from my doorbell camera taken last night. It's not. This is from the phone in my pocket as I fell. I call it 'Kodachrome Klutz.'

If you’re a semi-regular reader of my blog, you know one of the central themes of my life: Grace eludes me.

Last night as I was walking the dogs before bedtime, that adage reared its ugly, vengeful head as I tripped over one of the leashes and fell.

Hard.

On the porch.

In full view of the doorbell camera.

Weed: If you’re reading this, there is a reason why I have purchased a new doorbell camera and will be installing it by myself before you return: No one can see this footage. It’s extra, super classified and must be destroyed or stored in a cardboard box at Mar-A-Lago. Plus, I can’t figure out how to clear the cache.

Note: The Weed is in Las Vegas this week attending a conference for the Lunar Surface Innovation Consortium that will conclude with a tour of the Nevada Space Proving Grounds—billed as the highest-fidelity, mission-scale Lunar/Martian testing facility in the country. This is what he told me anyway as he headed to the airport yesterday. I’m not buying it. I think he’s at Area 51 and he had better bring me a baseball cap and sweatshirt (not COVID) when he returns.

Anyway, back to my fight with gravity last night. You know how they say the camera adds 10 pounds? In my doorbell camera’s case, that’s the god’s honest truth and it sprinkled in a full serving of complete klutz. Without going into great detail, my filmed appearance last night shows me:

• Trip over Layla.

• Land with all of my weight (plus 10 pounds) on my left shin as it is driven into the concrete edge of the porch step.

• Layla jumping on my head, trying to resuscitate or asphyxiate me. Her intent is unclear in the footage.

• Luka standing at the front door, trying to push it open with her right paw because she doesn’t like to be on film.

• And, finally, me staring blankly into the doorbell camera, hoping like hell its battery was drained.

Dear reader: The battery was not drained.

So, you’re all up to speed on my life this week. While my husband is away discussing matters of interstellar gravity, I’m stuck at home testing it.

My conclusion: It hurts.